Jokes for ya!

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her on the neck, then gets up and goes to the bathroom. While he's in the bathroom, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which the wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck, he was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute and asked if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!!

A wife arrived home from a shopping trip and was shocked to find her husband in bed with a lovely young woman.Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband called out "Perhaps you should hear how all this came about..." I was driving home on thehighway when I saw this young woman looking tired and bedraggled. I brought her home and made her a meal from the roast beef you had forgotten about in the fridge. She was bare-footed so I gave her your good sandals which you had discarded because they had gone out of style. She was cold so I gave her the sweater which I bought for you for your birthday but you never wore because the color didn't suit you. Her pants were torn, so I gave her a pair of your jeans, which were perfectly good, but too small for you now. "Then just as she was about to leave, she asked, 'Is there anything else your wife doesn't use anymore?"

A little girl accidentally walks in on her father while getting dressed. She points to his dick and says, "Daddy, what's that?" Not wanting to explain sex to her yet, he says, "Uh, I can't tell you, it's a secret." The little girl finds her mother and asks, "What is that long thing between Daddy's legs?" Her mother also doesn't want to explain sex yet, so she says,"I don't know, he won't tell me."Couple days later the little girl says to her mother, "Mommy, I finally figured out what that thing between Daddy's legs is. It's a toothbrush!" "Why do you think that?" the amused mother asks. "Because," the little girl says, "this morning I saw the maid sliding it in and out of her mouth and she had toothpaste dripping down her chin.

During a Biology class, the teacher asked the class: "Why is that during childhood, gals tend to grow taller than guys?"A student replied: "That's because guys have "balls" and that weighs hem down." Teacher: "Then why is that at maturity, guys tend to grow taller than gals?" Student: "That's because gals have breasts and they are heavier than the guy's "balls". Teacher FAINTED.
Jus my torts
:D